To Begin

I am sitting alone, surrounded by my thoughts, my memories, my impressions…

I wonder what might have been, and what yet could be. The words flow easily and with great certainty. I am exhausted, and the lines have thoroughly blurred. My thoughts? Or another’s? This body feels strange in phases. My feet are odd. They should be paws. All things, s/he says. All things in time and fate.

I wonder what that means. Am I someday to return to the form I feel within me? I know it is strange, I know others will not understand, but I feel it…..It’s like having a phantom limb. My tail is missing. My ears aren’t quite right, not mobile enough…I feel my soul, my energy, trying to fill parts that are not physically there. I can feel my spirit’s tail wagging as I feel happiness, I can feel my ears flatten in fear and anger…It is a strange thing, to be in a body that doesn’t fit.

But this is not all. This is not eternity.

What are these words that fill me…?

All things in time and fate. Someday to understand, perhaps. Sooner or later, your prayer will be answered.

I know which one you refer to. “Even if it’s in my dying breath, at least tell me why.”

But also Fate.

…Really? Can you promise such a thing?

These things are only God’s to give, but we who know…have spoken too much.

Is Hope really such a forbidden thing?

You are making things of my words, rather than hearing.

I am sorry.

And yet you do not stop. “We of the fire and flame”, hm? Is this truly what you desire?

Purpose…yes, it is. A life of such agonies, to be filled with such direction. This is a trade I would willingly make.

You would lose it all?

Cody comes to mind, and I struggle…

You have always had hope. The problem is your hope is poorly placed. Not these things, Yami.

But you did say Fate…

You poor, shortsighted child. All things in time.

I can see no more. I can no longer hear clearly. My words are still tainted by her tone. Yes, her. I think. My head begins to ache. I think I’ve overdrawn myself. My eyes truly desire to close, to give my mind to sleep.

But this need….this desperate need to grow stronger. Her words ring. All things in time.

I grow tired of waiting.

Gaining Ground

I’ve lost 2 inches from my waist, as well as around 3% body fat, landing me at 30.5 inches and 21.3 BMI. I’ve been running regularly, and sticking at around 11 minutes for a mile. That’s funny, I just remembered I once (in my glory high school days) struggled for a 14 minute mile. Huh. I guess I’m doing pretty well, then. Still, there is room for improvement, and I haven’t hit my goals yet. I need to lose 2.5 inches and 4% body fat. Yes, I know that’s gonna land me in the “under weight” category, but 17% is the upper end of the athlete range for women. 28 is my waist goal because that’s what I used to be. Really, I wonder if I could hit 26 inches, but we’re gonna aim for 28 for now.

As for my running goals, I’m trying for an approximately 24 minute 5k, which will be 8 minute miles. I’ve laid out a plan to get me there, and it’s flexible…however, the flexibility means I don’t know how long until I reach my goal. Still, I’m pleased. I can get there, I know. Oh, I didn’t mention my “reward” for when I get there. Cathal and I will be starting Parkour once I can do a 24 minute 5k, or at least an 8 minute mile without dropping dead. (aka I gotta be able to do a few miles, but they don’t ALL have to hit a perfect 8 minute mile time.) I’m super excited for Parkour!

Also, I’ve been studying Trigonometry for the fall, when I will be taking the class online. I expect to finish the book I got from the library by then. This will be extremely helpful since I won’t have a teacher actually in front of me to teach it right. I’ll already know the material and hopefully won’t need to spend much time on the class so I can focus on my classroom classes.

So there you have it. I’m slowly but steadily gaining ground. Things are getting better. I’m rising up…Forever Phoenix!

Phoenix Rising

The phoenix is a mythical firebird that would burst into flame upon death, and be reborn from its own ashes.

So too shall I rise again after so many failings.

I’m not starting over. I’m rejoining from where I left off. Such progress! And so we shall continue. These wings are small, but they are growing. I am gaining strength.

This isn’t over yet.

It’s not over until I say it’s over.

***************

The updates~

My shoulder, injured a while back while training in Aikido, is finally feeling better again. Now I’ve got to make sure it never starts that crap again. That will mean lots and lots of exercise.

I’ll be running the “Beat the New Year” 5k this year as planned, whether or not I’m ready. I plan on being ready, but even if things fall through, I’m running it.

I’ve started reading pretty regularly, and just finished Roger Zelazny’s Madwand. I plan on reading between 30 minutes and an hour every day.

I’ve thoroughly scheduled my next week, and am pleased with the outcome. I’ll be caught up with my school work by next Friday.

And I think that’s all that needs saying for now. So thank you for your attention, and adieu.

Intermission….end.

Well, folks, it’s been a while, but I’m back.

My summer was the biggest rollercoaster I’ve ever been on, but I think I’ve made it through. Part of the issue was that I didn’t draw for over a month, but I’m happy to say I broke out of that and am now drawing just as much as usual. I went though a decent stint of running daily…but injury and then illness stopped that. I’m going to start again, perhaps tomorrow or monday.

In other news, I got a job at Starbucks and have been working about 25 hours a week on average. I really enjoy the job, my coworkers are all great and most of the customers are good as well. I’m paying rent with my parents and paying for my own cell phone, but that’s fine, I have enough. It’s better than what had been the deal…where I was getting 10% of my paychecks, and the rest went to rent and a bank account I wasn’t allowed to touch. *sighs* This is much better….I should probably explain why that was the deal, and what happened, but I don’t feel like rehashing that unpleasantness right now. Suffice it to say, school was skipped, and many an argument was had….

I’m taking a single online course right now. It’s Human Anatomy and Physiology, and I do enjoy it, but there is a LOT of reading and I’ve got so little time, between my job and my having been sick (and thus sleeping a lot)….I’m going to make it, though, that I am sure of….

Well, I’m already running low on things to say….I’m going to go schedule my week.

Travel well, and Gods Bless.

Reboot

Today I am rebooting this blog.

If you’ve been reading (which I can honestly say I’m very sure you haven’t been) you know I’ve had some dark times, even very recently. I came very close to losing the love of my life over something ridiculous (in retrospect). This event, and the peace brough by its resolution, has been eye-opening for me. I realize a few things now.

• I’m really not alone
• There’s not really that much to be so terribly depressed about
• I’m capable of controlling myself
• I need to exercise this control more often
• There’s more to be happy about than there is to be upset about

That all adds up to a realization that I not only need to be happier, but I CAN be happier…and if I can, why wouldn’t I? I’ve got a loving boyfriend, and even if nearby friends are in low supply, I’ve still got a few, and there’s always family too. My mom’s reaction to the whole situation was nothing but love. Even if we fight, I think, in the end, they (my parents) do love me. I’ve got the necessities for a decent life- food, a home…and I’m going to school so I can earn these things on my own. Life really isn’t that bad.

In fact, life is pretty good.

I’m going to try harder. Things are good, and they’re going to get better.

(PS- huge huggles are sent in Cody’s general direction. ^_^ This couldn’t have happened without him.)

Angel

My twitter status reads- “And all is right with the world again. Cody is beloved. We are Angel. Those who share a name cannot be torn apart.”

Cody and I had a tearful talk, and in the end, all was set right. I still need to find a way to deal with my issues, but we agree that neither burying them nor feeding them is the right path. We’re going to talk to my counselor together about a good solution. We’re not going to break up. In the end, our love overcame, and this…this is just a bump in the road-experienced, suffered, overcome, learned from, and remembered as something we got through. It hurt to go through, it hurt unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I’ve never been so confused as to my own feelings, even my own thoughts were a mystery to me. But when we came to our conclusion and embraced, the love was there. At first, it felt like it wasn’t the same, and it honestly scared me. But once the sheer emotion had worn off a little, it all slipped back into place. He hugged me, and all was right with the world again. We’re not completely through the woods yet, I know, but now I am sure we’ll make it. We’re through the hardest part…which was, in retrospect, such a small, but hugely important, decision. It was the decision to try. We decided to try, and with the commitment to try, the commitment to continue, so much of the pain was washed away. The fog was lifted from my mind, and I know we made the right choice. It was hard to fight through the hurricane of terror and emotion, but once I escaped…clear skies. Even looking back, I can’t say that I should have seen this as the right way all along, I realize that I was completely blinded, and I won’t devalue the struggle by saying I should have known. It was not an easy thing, nor should it have been. But it turned out well. I prayed that this would turn out for the best for everyone. I admitted I didn’t know what that best was…But God did, and he guided us…just like Cody prayed for. Thanks, God.

I was afraid this was going to break us…but I think, in the long run, this will make our relationship stronger. I know now that Cody is really commited to me. He was so scared of losing me, and he endured so much pain in giving me a chance to get myself straightened out. I know now that I truly love him. I’ll have to ask him what he knows now that he didn’t before.

In closing, I’ll explain my twitter status. It’s a double reference….no, triple. The whole idea is a reference to Of Fire and Ice, an older story I had a hand in. After my character had a vicious fight with her twin, they both apologized, and everything fell back into place. “Ardon was still Okashira (Leader). Ryute was still the enemy. Nothing had changed.” Cody is still my beloved. The second reference is our Loveless characters, who share the name Angel (go read Loveless if you don’t get it). The final sentence is a reference directly to Loveless. Those who share a name are special. They are meant for each other and no one else. Nothing can tear them apart.

And all is right with the world again. Cody is beloved. We are Angel. Those who share a name cannot be torn apart.

Feathers from broken wings

I looked up into a sky that was raining feathers from broken wings.

Once I flew, in a world where there were no cares, nothing hurt, and everything was wonderful. My wings were wide, my feathers bright, and the long world possible before me.

And then I chanced upon a city, where real people lived and struggled, fought for life every day. My wings grew cramped from flying among crowded buildings, my feathers were dingy from smoke and soot. The eyes that once saw infinite possibilities grew dim as they witnessed the life I was soon to be doomed to.

I ceased to fly, and walked among humans, my wide wings shrank to useless decorations. Every reflection brings the memory of the skies as I gaze at my useless wings…A lone, lost haibane wanders the streets in a city that has become her world, where all is dark and there is only pain, day in and day out. Grey wings stained by black no longer twitch in anticipation of flight, knowing that it is now impossible.

A white feather drifts by, and I alone lift my head. A white feathered bird struggles over head, her broken wings barely carrying her. Her wings are wide, but crippled by stones thrown by the world that despises her for her flight.

Was that once me? Even so injured, she flies on…Is that what I could have been? Could I still be like her? I look at my pitiful wings, and wonder if I could someday regain my flight.

But I doubt it is possible. I have seen one path…and now it is as if that is all I can see. There is nothing else left…My wings are worse than broken…

Her feathers fall about me like some fateful rain…My wings are worse than broken. They are lost. They are crippled and functionless, and so long as I see only this grey path before me, they shall remain so. Until I can bring color to the life that lies ahead, or even find another path, my wings shall remain stunted, my flight, impossible.

I stand alone in a rain of small feathers, and wish for a life like hers…

If my wings were only broken, I would not mind the stones.